Maternal Wellness
Living with a new mother who experiences a postpartum mood disorder (PPD) is no picnic. The anxiety, depression, weepiness, and irritability wear not only on the mother but also the partners. But Dads, please keep in mind: "Experiencing postpartum depression firsthand is far worse Here are some quick tips on what to do and say when your partner has a postpartum mood disorder. 1. Focus on her strengths. Say things like: 3. Avoid telling her how she feels or should feel. Never say things like these:
than living with a partner who has PPD!"
2. Encourage her and tell her what you know to be true.
- She wouldn’t be if she could help it.
- She certainly wishes she was happy, but she can’t find happiness right now.
- No, they don’t, and she knows that. And, now she wonders why she feels so bad.
Do the laundry or the dishes, vacuum, play with the older child/ren, anything that relieves her anxiety of not being able to do it all. She is hanging on by a thread. So, the more you support her, the faster she will get better.
---------- (For the rest of this page, and to simplify the writing process, we refer to the partner of the mothers as he, father, and Dad.)
If you would like more information on how to improve life for both you and the mom, keep on reading OR look on our resource page for the book,
“The Postpartum Husband”.
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Since you have decided to read further, we will assume that the condition of the mom you’re dealing with is serious. A good nights’ sleep will not be enough to make her feel better, and untreated postpartum depression will often lead to chronic depression. BUT...postpartum depression is 100% treatable. The mother will benefit from therapy and may even need medication. A caring health care professional or therapist can help you make that decision. But, education and knowledge about PPD are important keys in the fight against PPD. So, keep reading... Often, the moods of a woman experiencing a postpartum mood disorder are unpredictable; she is happy one minute and in the bottom of despair the next. Partners don’t know who awaits them when they’re returning from work. Is it the sweet lady they chose to live with or her wicked alter ego? The divorce rate (generally, already a sad 1 out of 2) is even higher in the first year after a baby is born. While no one researched this phenomenon, therapists working in this area hypothesize that this is most likely due to the stress of the postpartum depression, whether treated or untreated. But, it doesn’t have to come to that if you are both informed. So please be patient. She is not to blame, she will be well, and if you help her, she is not alone in this.
PPD is a very real illness. She is not making this up to get attention or help around the house. She can’t snap out of this any more than she can snap out of high blood pressure or diabetes. The more you understand PPD and the better you help her get through this, the faster her recovery. Conquering postpartum mood disorders together can make your relationship even stronger. That’s why the following info is especially for YOU, the partner.
Let’s not forget, Dads and partners are just as unprepared and confused about postpartum mood disorders, the effects it has on the relationship, and their new role in it. Some partners even develop (postpartum) depression themselves. Dads feel helpless because they can’t “fix” the new mom. They may get angry at her, the baby, the situation, the fact that they have to do it all: going to work and then taking care of her and the new baby as soon as he sets foot in the door. That is certainly not what he signed up for! But the better her support, the faster she will be her old self.
Often, it seems he gets what’s left of her; she may only exhibit one, two or all of these characteristics, and the list is not complete. But after taking care of the baby all day, she feels exhausted, her mood is low or agitated, she feels guilty for not being a better mother. Many women also feel unlovable, unattractive and definitely not in the mood to take care of the needs of her partner: No hug, no sweet talk, and definitely no sex.
Shoshanna Bennett in her book Postpartum Depression for Dummies calls it “all touched out”. Mom spends hours feeding, nursing, changing, holding, rocking, burping, and cuddling the baby. You get the picture, right? Well, when you get home and want a hug, the last thing mom wants is to get physical. Give her time!
A very small percentage of women with PPD develop bizarre thoughts, delusions and hallucinations. Frequently, the woman won’t share these with her partner. Symptoms are often intensified with sleep deprivation. Some mothers develop mania and won’t sleep for several days. If you notice sleep deprivation, if your wife starts talking about hurting herself, making statements that her baby is better off without her, or exhibits a persistent feeling of despair, you need to step up. Call her doctor, therapist, or if you can’t get in contact with them, call 911 or take her to the nearest emergency room. These conditions require immediate attention and are considered a life threatening situation. The mother should not be left alone. And, if you haven’t done so yet, make an appointment with a qualified therapist. She needs professional help to get through this.
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If you still want more hands-on information, look at the rules we have compiled for partners to help the new mom in her recovery. They will help the mother recuperate from her mood disorder faster and will help strengthen your relationship.”.
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Rule #1: Mom needs some alone time every day.
Some private “me” time is essential to recover from PPD. She needs this time to regroup, get some much needed stress relief, focus on being “she” rather than “mother” or “wife”. Ideally, there is some “me” time worked into her daily schedule. If that’s not possible, Mom needs to be able to express her need for alone time without feeling guilty. Some couples agree on a codeword or phrase so that long explanations are unnecessary. When she says “I need to walk the dog” even if you don’t have a dog, you know she needs to get out of the house or into the next room for a while to find her bearings. Any of the following would be acceptable responses, “See you in 20 minutes”, “Have a good time”, “We’ll be here when you get back”. Rule #2: You both need some couples’ time. Rule #3: Learn as much about PPD as you can. The more you know about PPD, the better you are able to help her. Check out our resource page for books and websites with PPD info. Most have a section for Dads or offer links to websites and blogs just for you. Share your experience with other PPD Dads! Go to her therapy appointments with her so you learn everything she needs to know. This is also a great opportunity to brush up on your communication skills as a couple as well.
Once a week, Mom should also have the opportunity to get away for at least two hours, preferably longer to really charge her batteries. She can spend this time shopping, going to the movies, sitting in the park and reading a cheesy romance novel, whatever she finds relaxing and enjoyable. Some women crave alone time with a book, others want adult conversation.
Find some time to stay connected as a couple. Go on a date, for a walk, out to dinner – without the baby, just you and her. Remember what it was like B.C., before child? Recapture the fun you had dating. Find a sitter to take care of the baby and avoid any serious talk. This is not the time to balance the check book or make important career decisions. And don’t talk about the baby or her depression. Make her feel loved, pampered, give her your undivided attention. Gauge this time to her condition. Some women don’t feel like dressing up and going to dinner. They barely make it out of their pajamas in the morning. For her, walking around the neighborhood may be all she can tolerate. Others welcome the opportunity to get away from the baby for a while.
Rule #4: Help her as much as you can.
Practical assistance helps best: do chores around the house, set limits with overbearing relatives and friends, go to her appointments with her. Let her know you’re not giving up on her, that you are there for her. Just be there, sit with her, help with the baby. Take over a night time feeding so she can sleep. At least 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep are needed! Encourage her to get as much rest as possible, even if the laundry doesn’t get done and you have to eat canned soup for the third day in a row.
Rule #5: Support her decisions about breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding can be her greatest accomplishment at this difficult time, but it can also put additional pressure on her on top of everything else to be the perfect mother. The decision to breastfeed or not should be made as a team consisting of the mother, her doctor, the pediatrician, and of course, you. Some women feel better after weaning, others get worse, both due to hormonal changes. Mothers suffering from PPD should wean slowly! But being on psychotropic medications to treat PPD does not automatically mean she has to stop nursing. Many medications are well tolerated by the infants. But, no matter what, the baby will be fine with breast or bottle. Mothers of bottle fed babies bond as well with their infants as nursing mothers. Having an untreated mood disorder interferes more with bonding than a bottle.
Rule #6: Have a weekly business meeting.
This is not recommended during the acute phase of her illness! But as Mom gets better and life returns to normal, make it a habit to schedule a business meeting. A regularly scheduled meeting is a good idea for any family, but is especially important for families with PPD to provide structure and reduce stress. Issues that were ignored before the baby was born will often show their ugly face even stronger now that one of you is not feeling well. The business meeting is a designated time to discuss issues such as: dividing chores, discuss finances and schedules, and arrange alone time for both Moms and Dads. This meeting will only take 30 minutes and then the rest of the week is free to enjoy each other and the baby.
Website Resources
Postpartum Men
Helping Men Beat The Baby Blues and Overcome Depression
Website: www.postpartummen.com
Postpartum Dads
Helping Families Overcome Postpartum Depression (PPD)
Website: www.postpartumdads.org
